→ HAVEN MAILBOX

[viciouscycles]

❝It's Arakita. I'm not here. Leave a message.❞

[Beep!]

Comments

voice, a day or so after the event; i was going to wait until the end of the thread but i just can't

[antipyretic]

H-Hello... I'm Mikan Tsumiki...! I never told you my name, which was very thick-headed of me, but I suppose I'm just a thick-headed turtle, isn't that right?! [ ... oops. she was never good at starting conversations. she takes a second to remember why she called him and you can practically hear her choking up. ]

Y-You see... Violence is not the answer! I know, because I too have been hurt in the past! What I did... it's unacceptable... But it wasn't me! Something... S-Something happened to me!

Ah, but I shouldn't make excuses, right? I did a terrible thing again... I'm so sorry, bicycle man-san...! I'd understand if you hated me forever!

voice, help im crying (1/3)

[viciouscycles]

[phone calls arakita expects to get:

literally any one but this.






bicycle man-san.]

[viciouscycles]

[Where to even start with this?

perhaps he could gently comfort her about her worries and concerns, and accept her apologies.]

God, will you just stop with all that self-hating whiny crap? [or that, say that, arakita.] I get it. Yao fucked with your head. They did it to me too, even if it didn't make me go fucking nuts. ["like you did".

but in some way, that head-fucking is fortunate in that it makes him slightly more sympathetic to her cause in two ways: one, the simple fact that his mind was also tampered with and the resulting empathy, and two, that he'd seen pieces of literally every past event that happened in haven, where people delved into much further insanity than she did.

all things considered, it could've been worse, and it feels strange thinking about it that way.]

Tch-- Seriously. You didn't hurt me. Don't flatter yourself by calling that a fight or anything.

["I've been hurt in the past."]

Who the hell would fight you anyway? Even with Yao messing with you, you shouldn't have been that goddamn paranoid about it.

[viciouscycles]

...Arakita. It's Arakita.

[awkwardly. take this as his indication that he doesn't hate you forever.]

what happened to my subject title...!

[antipyretic]

Y-You, too...?! [ she sounds pleasantly surprised. which probably isn't a good thing... but she feels much less alone now. look, it's not like she'd be happy if he went crazy or anything! she hesitates to speak again, but forces herself anyway. ] I... I touched you in an inappropriate way! I've never done something like that before because it just isn't right to do to another person, for someone like me! I don't even deserve to touch anyone appropriately, s-so inappropriate touching is a world I'll never be in!

[ i could make a terrible joke here but i won't for my own sake

she goes silent at his next question though. it was her own fear and past melding with the faux memories planted in her head, so it wasn't all yao... and deep down, she knows it. but she's not exactly the type to shout it out loud for all to hear. ] Everyone has been hurt in the past, at some point, right? But someone as pathetic as me... It's obvious I couldn't handle the pressure...? [ damn, nice save. or so she thinks. that sounded like complete bullshit.

even so, she still smiles just a tiny bit once he tells her his name. ] I won't wear it out, then! ... That's what they say, isn't it?

it went to hell, like this thread

[viciouscycles]

[There's really only one direction a mind could go when hearing that speech, even if the entire context was known.

Arakita's mind goes there immediately, and through the sheer force of Angry Willpower, he manages not to blush about it or anything stupid like that.]

Don't call it that! Do you know how wrong that sounds?! [on second thought, maybe she doesn't- she strikes him as the type to be oblivious about... shit like that.

but anyway.]

I don't know if there's much you could do, even if you weren't shaking and crying about everything all the time. Yao's done worse to stronger people, [harsh, but true. no matter how deeply unsettling the sudden change in her was, it was not as bad as he's seen before.] no matter whatever the hell happened to you in the past.

[he won't pry anymore than he already has- he hates when people try to do the same to him.]

this thread is in a place much deeper than hell

[antipyretic]

[ rip mikan's smile, you lasted a good few seconds. ] W-What...? What did I say wrong?! Whatever it was, I take it back, one-hundred percent!

[ wow. what reassuring words. not many things manage to get under her skin, but this does for some reason, and she starts to cry (but that's not really surprising). ] I... I know I'm pathetic, and I know about stronger people, too. Sniff... That's why I'd like to become stronger, myself! I'm trying very hard, but...

[ but then she takes the phone away from her ear before she says anything else. after some tiny panicking, she brings it back to her ear. ]

I-I'm sorry! I've rambled about the impossible, and probably bored you... You're right, after all, as I truly can't do anything! [ nervous laughing, haha ha ha thanks for crushing her dreams. ]

we've reached the earth's core

[viciouscycles]

[well. that shuts him up real fast.

sure, people who accept weakness and never strive to do anything to change that fact deserve to hear the harsh truth, but arakita isn't in the business of happily and intentionally making girls cry either, despite general appearances and mannerisms.

(still, briefly, he thinks back to how she was, how she sounded and acted down in that dark tunnel. it had to have been yao. he's seen the very unexpected results of personality flips before, but he can't think of any inner driving force that could be exacerbated to change this into that, even if the pressure of this city was enough to make almost anyone crack and snap.

and who would fake being weak, anyway?)]

Look- ...Shit. [god, why him. why this. why did he answer the phone. why is he here.

he knows he can ride a bike damn well and bring a team to victory, but fuck if he knows how to stop someone (a sensitive girl) from crying.] Stop crying, alright? It was nothing. ...It doesn't matter.

[effective. but it's all he has and delving into what that meant would probably just upset her more.]

...If you talk shit about yourself like that, you'll never become strong. [he was told something like that once when he needed to hear it, even if it was a little more kindly.] Nothing's set in stone. You have to fight for it. You can't do that if you're beating yourself up all the goddamn time. [a little quieter-] You're in a city like this, and you think that's impossible? Seriously.

[antipyretic]

[ obediently, she stops crying once he tells her to. he may have just took a jab at her, but she feels bad for being a hopeful idiot anyway. her whole life is just a big case of stockholm syndrome.

plus, the next thing he says more than makes up for it. she's not exactly happy, but she knows she probably... needs to listen to and heed his advice. he seems like the kind of guy who knows a lot. probably. ] In this place, many bad things have happened to others... And for me, too. [ which takes a lot to admit, because usually her mindset is 'yeah well whatever i deserved it.' ] I... I've died over five times. That's five times... plus one! As I said, I've been trying to survive, but even when I have confidence...

[ a rare occurrence. she trails off and begins another thought. ] And now that death is permanent, I don't expect to live much longer... Fighting isn't a thing someone like me can do!

[ aaaand his attempts to get through to her have failed. ]

[viciouscycles]

[yeah, he knows that. If it was a month ago, a week ago, he'd dismiss her claims of multiple deaths as complete nonsense, but now it's painful reality he knows he's facing. he'd been slapped upside the head with enough memories to understand that now.

what the hell was he supposed to say? moving forward in the face of a harsh reality was something he's lived by, but that was back in a world where he didn't have to accept the threat of death as a daily reality, or that he had to live his life by the whims of a unseen and completely inhuman organization. this wasn't some whiny kid yapping on about how hard practice was or that her parents weren't being fair, this was a girl who fucking died more than one time, and knowing this place none of those times were peacefully.

he isn't cynical or hardened by the city enough to get angry about her acceptance of inevitable death, but he isn't content to stay silent and accept it either. this is more or less a stranger, he shouldn't care about her. wasn't doing exactly that what got you killed in those cheesy end-of-the-world movies he used to snort and snark at with the rest of his team?

if only it was a movie. maybe it's fortunate that he isn't cynical nor hardened enough because he finds himself actually- sort of- kind of- caring.]

Don't say shit like that. [it's really the best he can do, the best he can say without feeling like he's spouting bullshit.]

So what if you died before? None of that means a goddamn thing now. It's in the past- it's not going to affect your chances now unless you let it.

[it's not "everything will be alright" or something similarly useless, but it still feels... hollow to say it.]

You've only got one life now, so don't give up on it that easily. [he frowns more deeply, letting himself get a little more frustrated.] Are you that willing to accept that you're going to die here? [a discontent click of his tongue.] Doesn't your life mean more to you than that?

[he doesn't want to imagine getting to that point, even from just hearing a "yes".]

i'll be seeing myself out. so much tl;dr shit

[antipyretic]

[ 'in the past,' he says, and she wishes it was true. how nice it would be to wake up and not worry about the day she leaves haven for good - the day she's done for, inside and outside of this place. it's not like he isn't right, he is definitely right, but this has now become advice she can't follow. she'd love to answer with a yes, it's a privilege she didn't realize how much she would miss. but she can't. she's going to die and there's no changing that, so she can't keep on willfully living.

no matter how strong you become, you'll still die.

becoming stronger doesn't have anything to do with her death. becoming stronger means that she was able to accomplish something, that she was able to die as mikan tsumiki and not the girl who was always in tears and on the ground, that she didn't die wasting anyone's time with her useless existence. she knows she'll leave the world as she came on jabberwock island. unwanted and disgusting. but in haven she'll be remembered as a friend, as someone who tried.

to save herself the pain she considers hanging up to cry as loudly as she'd like and run away from her problems. but on the other hand, she could just be honest. after all, arakita has been trying to help her, he's forgiven her for the terrible thing she did to him, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't trust him despite not knowing him all that well. ]

T-The place I come from... nothing good has happened, in that place! I fear that my classmates are unsafe... [ the ones she knows survives as of right now. ] Many of them died at the hands of each other, but it wasn't anyone's fault! They were forced to do it! Our world was terrible...

[ she begins to get cold feet though. would telling him really be appropriate? how do you casually tell someone who isn't straight out asking that you're currently on the waiting list for hell? ]

W-When I was there, I was selfishly happy, you see. Because no one was hurting me, and we all came together as... as friends! Before then, I had never felt friendship. Everyone around me, they were always kicking me, and pouring water on me, and giving me cigarette burns... But not in that place! I was beginning to become happy with my class. [ she takes a deep breath. it's always awkward for her to talk about her life because she's only ever done it to like 2 people, but she's channeling all of that strength she's earned so far.

and hoo boy will she need it for the next part. ] That's why, once I was told I died in that place too... I lost the will to live, even here.

[ it doesn't sink in until she's done saying it all that she's just dished out her life story to yasutomo arakita. oh god should she hang up oh god ] D-Do you hate me now, for talking so much?! Please, please, please don't hate meeeee!

bury me honestly

[viciouscycles]

[For all his aggressive bluster and opinions on just about everything, Arakita knows there is a time and a place to be quiet and actually listen to people. He's learned that by now. So he is (probably surprisingly, for her) completely quiet as she recounts her story- her fucked up, objectively painful to listen to life story.

He opens his mouth, and closes it again into a forced scowl. A harsh criticism, an expected frustrated response, doesn't come out.

Why was she telling him, a stranger who was completely useless at open emotional honesty unless it came in the form of layering it with curse words and unspoken mutual understanding on what he actually meant under those layers?

He wishes he knew, if only because if there's anything Yasutomo Arakita hates, it's feeling completely useless in a situation. He knows he's already fucking this up monumentally and she's become fucked up monumentally because of fucked up people and fucked up situations long before he started talking. He knows he can't fix either of those things, nor is he certain enough that he could to try immediately.

She's fucked up, this is fucked up, her story is more than fucked up, but he sees a bit of himself in her- even if she's whiny and way too prone to crying and awkward and annoyingly pitiful, he knows that, if not for Fukutomi's intervention and consequently showing him a better path, he would still think like her. That because of who he was, he should have expected the rejection and hatred she constantly fears to happen to him- that he was ultimately hopeless when it came down to it, and that there was no way to change or avoid inevitable reality.

There's a world of difference between the two of them and how they expressed that, as well as the severity of their pasts, but the bottom line is the same and that's what drives him to talk again.]

...Life here fucking sucks. Nobody's living the way they want to be living here. But giving up on life entirely just because you're dead back home is idiotic. It's a shitty second chance you're getting here, but it's still a second chance. It's better than giving up and dying.

[A nasty thought enters his head- he says this, but if his team was in danger back home and he was told he would inevitably and unavoidably die back there too, would his will stand up then?]

...Hey, you said there are people here who are nice to you. [He still doesn't consider himself one of them.] So care about those people. If the only reason you were happy living back then was because of your friends, then that's a reason to want to live here. It's a fucking weak reason and you should find another one, but start with that. [He clicks his tongue.] And stop thinking everyone hates you for stupid reasons. Most people's priorities aren't that messed up.

[He pauses, but not long enough for her to start on another rant, or to start crying again.]

Why are you telling me all of this? [Because he cannot, for the life of him, imagine why she would tell him.]

THIS IS SO ANIME BURY ME TOO

[antipyretic]

[ a little bit sick of being a sad sack, mikan smiles at his answer once again. sometimes she feels like if people knew the real disgusting truth about her, they would never speak to her again.

but, she feels like that regardless of how much people know about her.

it's a relief, but she reminds herself he still doesn't know about the part where she kills some people too. no biggie. she's told him enough anyway. though it feels sort of like she's playing devil's advocate, she'll tell him one day, when she herself can accept it, probably. Probably. ]

My life here is something I'm grateful for. S-Sometimes, it's hard for everyone, and those are the times I don't think I can go on... It's hard for someone like me to take it. After all, I'm a weakling! [ she takes a deep breath. COOL IT, MIKAN. we can't scare this guy off.

anyway.

it's her turn to listen, and that's what she does. stop thinking everyone hates her, though? come on, that's like asking her to stop breathing!

nonetheless, she miraculously manages to retain her smile throughout all of this, even if it may have faltered a bit. ]

Fr-Friends... as well... A-Arakita-san? [ what's grammar? what's speaking without stuttering? what's making friends?! she's blushing so ferociously you can pretty much hear it in her voice. ] You said... to c-care about those who are nice to me! In that case, I care about you! [ she wheezes it out and i'm wheezing too ]

it's not anime enough here's some tsundere

[viciouscycles]

[When he's not putting it to use through narrowing his eyes and moving his big mouth, Arakita usually stores most of his tension in his shoulders. He surprises himself, then, when he feels his shoulders falling as soon as she says she's grateful for her life. It's coated in more of that familiar self-hatred, but she's come to at least a little bit of goddamn sense.

Even if she was a virtual stranger, he could accept being satisfied with her wanting to live instead of losing the will to. He could admit to himself that he cared about her on that level.

But now, after she sputters out a declaration about him, well, now he almost wishes she was still talking about what she was before, because no matter how little he knew about how to deal with that, he was still vastly more knowledgeable on how to react and process it instead of what she just said now.

It may go without saying that not many people (girls especially) approach him often, and even less with any sort of positive intention- he's not used to being told someone likes him, or cares about him, outside of that someone being within his team. Especially in such an earnest, fumbling, clearly blushing sort of way.

So Mikan isn't the only one turning pink here, even if Arakita does (tries) much more to cover it up.]

I'm not being nice, moron. I'm telling you crap you should already know.

[Maybe it is a sign of his growth that he doesn't say "so you shouldn't care about me", but he leaves his words hanging awkwardly in the air for the moment. More tellingly, his next words are mumbled.]

...Call me whatever you want, I don't care. ["Friends" or "someone to care about"- it's his way of saying that she can care.]

voice. a couple days after event!

[splashdamage]

[ hi arakita you have a message from someone you probably never want to see again. there's a second or two of uncomfortable silence before kakyoin starts speaking; though his voice is still quite stern and serious, all that haughty disdain from last time is gone. ]

What I said and did to you -- I wasn't thinking straight at the time. But regardless of the circumstances, my actions were inexcusable, and for that, I apologize. I'm sorry for any injuries I caused you.

[ he does sound pretty sincere about this. there's a brief pause before he continues a little more stiffly, ]

If you wish to return the favor, an eye for an eye, I will accept it. Otherwise ... If I don't receive a response, I'll take it you want me to avoid all contact with you in the future, and will comply accordingly.

[ another moment of uncomfortable silence because how the hell do you gracefully end a message like this, before he just cuts the recording. ]

voice.

[viciouscycles]

[He does listen to the message, but it's a while before he actually responds to it. The instinctual fear that comes with hearing his voice, regardless of the distinct change in tone from the cold words in his memories, is something he absolutely represses before calling him back.

That delay also gives him time to think. Whatever caused him to tell nothing but the emotional truth back then also brought up feelings he left firmly in the past back home. It was stupid, then, to think that whatever that force was hadn't affected this guy as well.

He could take revenge, it could feel momentarily satisfying, and chase away all residual feelings of powerlessness from their encounters- from his memories, even, where the panic is still all too tangible. He could also run away from those feelings entirely, never talk to him again and try to forget everything that happened on that roof.

But would be cowardly to do either of those things, and he knows that well enough to not consider them. To beat him up as revenge would be to slide back to who he was years ago, and Arakita decided a long time ago to not live his life constantly running away from something- or someone, as the case may be.]

You aren't the bastard you made yourself look like, huh.

[Or the bastard Arakita made him out to be, but that meaning is once again buried by the layer of aloofness.]

I don't buy any of that "eye for an eye" crap anymore. And I'm not goin' to run away at the sight of you like some kinda coward.

[He clicks his tongue, clearly in a gesture to make it seem like he isn't anything but casual about this.]

Yeah, I get it. Your head got fucked with. Doesn't mean what you did was fucking fine or anything, but you don't need to bow your head and spew that sorry crap.

[This is his version of accepting the apology, for what it is. He doesn't entirely forgive him outright, but holding the incident over this guy's head is past him now.]

voice.

[splashdamage]

[ that ... was actually one of the response options he expected. (the others being 'no response' and 'a very loud and abrasive demand that he fuck off,' mostly.) kakyoin stares at his phone quietly as he listens to arakita's message, trying to read between the lines of that huffy, blustering response.

he's always been fairly good at reading people without being told things explicitly, but it's hard to gauge exactly how much of arakita's caustic attitude is genuine, and how much is just an angry, defensive front.

when kakyoin decides to respond he sounds just a little less stiff. ]

... it must be convenient, being able to brush off something like this with such ease.

[ there's a dry edge to that sentence, just enough to hint that he can tell arakita's pretending to be more flippant about this than he really is. it's not mocking, though, and his voice quickly regains its usual solemn note as he continues. ]

A death threat is never anything to be taken lightly. But it's especially vile when given while the opponent isn't able to fight back on the same terms. It's underhanded and cheap; it's an action that I'd condemn anyone taking, and, Yao influence or not, it's doubly disgusting coming from myself. Despite what you may have assumed, I don't apologize for things unless my actions have truly merited them -- and I'm well aware of the magnitude of what I did to you.

[ pause, and then a brief sigh. ]

... but if you wish to simply drop the issue, then I'll oblige and never bring it up again.

[ it'd leave a bad aftertaste, admittedly, but it's still not his decision to make, in this case. ]

voice.

[viciouscycles]

[He's not stupid, or deaf. The prickly feeling at the back of his neck that rises with the sound of Kakyoin's dry edge tells him that his mask of flippancy isn't as opaque as he likes.

No, it isn't easy, necessarily, but the rationalization it follows is something he's very, very used to using.

If he lays himself completely bare, he'll be eaten alive here. He's not dumb or naive enough that every person with powers either like or more powerful than this guy's is as noble. If he falls apart- admits to how completely terrified he was- he knows (at least, suspects) that there are people here who would prey upon that even if he discounted Yao as a whole.

(but he's weaker still in a way, in that this is over the phone and not in person- certainly if they were talking face-to-face, much more protective aggression would cover his words instead of frivolousness)]

Hah- It was goddamn cheap and shitty. Glad your head's cleared up enough to see that.

[There it is again- the sarcastic bite and especially forced flippant tone. If he did actually take it lightly, it wouldn't be there at all.]

...Tch. I'm not gonna just forgive you and act like nothing's happened, but don't drag it out like moronic baggage. So don't go announcing what you did as some messed-up way of making up for it.

[In other, less round-about words: don't tell anyone, because if they found out how badly you beat me, they might be tempted to do the same.

If prejudice or paranoia until proven non-threatening is the ideology he has to continue to follow in order to survive here, he'll do it. Though, as proven through this incident, verbal expression of this philosophy isn't going to do him well- for once, he'll take care to curb himself in this aspect in the future. ]

voice.

[splashdamage]

[ honestly, even with what's happened between them, there's still the fairly strong urge to grab this guy by the collar of his shirt and shake him violently, just to drive the point home that this -- this flippant attitude and insistence on speaking back so brashly when he can't back up his words with strength -- is stupid. while pride and integrity are certainly things he understands, arakita's insistence on aggravating others without reason goes far beyond simply 'maintaining his sense of self' and dives head-first into the territory of 'dumb as a brick.'

but he won't say it out loud. not right now. perhaps at another time. ]

I hadn't considered doing anything like that in the first place.

[ a brief pause before he adds sternly: ]

Seeking out public shame in that manner is often done for self-satisfaction, rather than out of repentance. An attempt to make oneself a martyr, to earn pity and sympathy, with apologies to the victim being a secondary concern at best.

[ just to make it clear that he wouldn't have done such a thing for his own reasons, rather than just because arakita demanded it so crudely.

he gives a short sigh (only slightly) marred by exasperation, and when he continues, his tone of voice is a little more level. ]

Regardless, I imagine I've made myself clear. Unless you've got anything else to demand, I won't waste any more of your time.

voice.

[viciouscycles]

Hey.

[Until that, it seems as if Arakita silently agrees with Kakyoin's judgement for a few seconds after he finishes.

It's blunt and short, though perhaps a bit less terse than his speech before. If anything, he's relieved that this incident is relegated to the past.]

Did people really give you that much shit for having those weird powers?

[If, as was the case for him, all negative held back emotions that were supposed to be left in the past were suddenly brought up for him and amplified, that whole spiel about "I'm sick of people acting like I'm a monster" is probably his issue.

Arakita half regrets asking, but it's already out on the table and he isn't going to half-ass it and back down.]

Isn't that crap normal for people in your world? Why did you care so much?

[He assumes that, ironically, his world being absent of "freak powers" is abnormal here.]

voice.

[splashdamage]

[ good thing this is voice-only, because kakyoin can't help staring at his phone in abject confusion for a moment. he certainly hadn't expected to be asked something so personal, and he can't pinpoint any plausible motive for doing so, either. there isn't really anything for arakita to gain from pursuing such a topic.

kakyoin is silent for a long moment before he finally answers, his voice a little quieter. polite, but more distant. ]

It's very rare, the sort of ability I have. I didn't meet anyone capable of seeing or understanding mine until a few months ago -- a few months before arriving here.

[ it's not like he explains these things to people often -- never before to anyone who doesn't have abilities -- but he does owe arakita, and this probably won't cause too much harm. so he continues, keeping his tone of voice a little detached.

it may be the same thing he so angrily told arakita about back then, but his demeanor and word choice are drastically different this time. ]

I was born with mine, and believed it to be normal. So I acted upon those assumptions. To most people ... the things I did and said would have seemed abnormal, so they responded accordingly. Once I realized my ability was abnormal and learned to hide it, the problem ceased. Though it wasn't anybody's fault, it was a case of critical miscommunication.

voice.

[viciouscycles]

[If anything positive can be said about how Arakita communicates with people, it's that he does listen. He is quiet for the duration of Kakyoin's explanation, most likely to the surprise of the other man.

When he's positive Kakyoin's finished, he rolls out a sigh, a slight disparaging if not understanding click of his tongue coming with it.]

So that's how it is, huh.

[It isn't quite sympathetic, but it isn't entirely dismissive either.

So it was repressed anger at the world that, after being prodded by a catalyst and an environment encouraging it, exploded in a way completely contrary to what he values now. He- kind of- gets it, or at least understands the frustration that leads to lashing out at anyone who's really good at pushing your buttons.

It's not enough to make him feel guilty for the things he said- after everything that happened, he doesn't think he owes it to this guy to feel guilty for just saying things- but it gives a little more context.]

I get it. So I jabbed you in a sore spot, and you freaked out, huh. [which is also more or less what Kakyoin did to him. He does understand that, but commenting on it is a different matter.]

Ceased the problem? When you repress shit like that, it becomes baggage. Doesn't surprise me. You're so goddamn uptight when Yao's not fucking around with your head.

[So forgive him if he doesn't exactly believe that Kakyoin's 100% happy with shoving it under the rug. He's learned the hard way about leaving baggage in the past; his own recent failure in that is a sour, bitter reminder.

Let it go.mp3. You're Elsa in this situation, bud.]

voice.

[splashdamage]

[ 'baggage,' is it? kakyoin presses his lips together thinly, resisting the urge to point out that it takes one to know one. ]

What I just explained to you doesn't affect or excuse anything, and I never expected it to. My actions towards you were due to circumstances and a temporary lapse in self-control, not due to any sort of trauma or 'baggage,' as you might put it. The incompatibility between myself and others back home is something I've long since come to accept, and very few people here [ read: nobody except you ] react towards my ability with such vitriol.

[ very faintly, there's an edge of discomfort starting to creep into his voice, and kakyoin pauses to clear his throat. as much as he tries to distance himself from this issue -- something that should be a non-factor, now that he has jotaro and the others as an anchor to keep him more grounded -- it's still a little unsettling to discuss with anyone. it almost makes him feel a little compromised. this is something he shouldn't let himself be affected by; he should be above this.

it comes out a little clipped, a little more business-like when he continues, guiding the conversation back towards arakita. ]

While I understand that you're concerned for your safety -- for perfectly valid reasons -- this isn't a thread of conversation that will achieve much for you. The context for what I did to you is ultimately irrelevant, after all. I won't make the same mistake again, regardless of what you may wish to say to me in the future, and this isn't a subject that has much relevance in Haven.

If you're worried about keeping yourself safe, there are plenty of people here willing to protect and fight for people such as yourself. Allying yourself with them would be more productive.

[ see look, now let's talk about you. so smooth. ]

voice.

[viciouscycles]

[He listens again, with the same surprising silence, only to find himself a little less forcibly apathetic and dismissive than before.

The complete distancing from the context of his actions bothers him ever so slightly, if not from a empathetic point of for. From his own experience, and thinking on the memories he's accumulated here, he has to grudgingly admit to himself that everything Yao made him do had a basis already existing inside of him. From the cold, uncomfortable tones in this guy's voice- even if they're masked by his usual stiffness- and the hard swallow, he can guess that it was the same case for him as well. Old wounds are still able to have salt rubbed in them, no matter if they've scarred over.

And long-winded speeches never were his favorite thing to listen to, anyway. Was this guy 17 years old, or some kind of college professor?]

...Geeze, you said all that and you still don't got me convinced it ain't a sore button. Whatever. Go ahead and dance around it with the "it was all Yao and my shitty self control and not nothing I care about anymore" thing if ya want. I don't care. [sure.] I'm not scared that you're gonna attack me.

[...anymore. That word is conspicuously missing.

Still, Kakyoin's diversion has worked for the moment. It inspires a knee-jerk reaction and a slight bare to Arakita's teeth, even if it's unseen. Everyone has sore spots, it seems.]

Shut up. I'm not gonna grovel for protection at some guy's feet like a fucking coward.

[He reels himself in from that snap statement with an attempt at a dismissive click of his tongue.]

Why do you care, anyway?

voice.

[splashdamage]

[ that click of the tongue is promptly answered with a condescending huff, followed by a snippy, ]

Don't be stupid.

[ which is, sadly, probably the most age-appropriate thing he's said to arakita yet.

now that they're no longer discussing something so personal that he's kept under wraps for so long, some of the stiffness in kakyoin's voice melts away; he sounds much more at ease dealing with what he thinks is a 'stupid question,' than when he is talking about himself. ]

I'd hate to give Yao the satisfaction of managing to kill anyone. But more importantly, you're a living, breathing person -- it's natural that I'd want you to live. This place poses a considerable danger to everyone, even those who are capable, so I doubt you'll survive long if you stay that brash and prickly.

[ it's said sharply, but not necessarily cruelly, and kakyoin pauses for a moment before continuing, his tone of voice evening out to something much more matter-of-fact. ]

You don't have any abilities, and that can't be helped. It's something you had no control over, and it's not something you can change, even with great effort. Bad luck, but no one can blame you for it, and brooding over it would be a pure waste of time. So instead, you should focus on forming alliances -- not groveling. Even the strongest people here have limits to how much they can accomplish on their own, so you'd have to be tremendously haughty to think yourself an exception to that rule. Do you understand?

[ he definitely could have worded it more kindly if he wanted, but it's fairly sound advice, given sincerely and without judgement. ]

voice.

[viciouscycles]

[He doesn't have a lot to bring to the table- he doesn't doubt his skills where they lie, but he can't imagine them being a fair trade for complete protection. He knows his personality isn't going to win him any favors either. In simpler terms, he doesn't have much value to other people here, so he'll compensate by doing the best for himself- by pushing himself forward, because that's where his personal value was back home.

...Even if it is lonely, which isn't something he's willing to acknowledge yet.

Sadly, this isn't the forced honesty week, and none of this comes out. He's repeatedly shooting himself in the foot here- and on some level recognizing it- but man if the instinctual reflex to protect himself from rejection (that he managed to move away from with the stable friendship of his team) isn't a tempting thing to fall back on.]

Of course I understand, moron! Don't talk down to me like I'm some kind of fucking idiot!

[It's not as snappish as it could be- whether he verbally admits it or not, he does recognize that Kakyoin does care. a little bit.

He scoffs to a less angry state.]

Like most people here are gonna go out of their way to make a dumb [(unequal)] trade like that. It's a fucking hell hole here, and not everyone's naive [(noble)] like you. Most people will do what they need to get ahead, especially when things are this bad, and they're not gonna stick out their neck for some stranger just 'cause they're living and breathing.

[Translation: I really, really suck at approaching people for the specific purpose of making friends.]

I'm still surviving now, idiot. That's not gonna change. I'm fine.

voice.

[splashdamage]

[ he's quiet for a moment, as if digesting everything that arakita's so tactfully said, before murmuring quietly, ]

I see. So it's like that.

[ it's starting to make sense. between what arakita said back then, while their inhibitions were compromised, and what he's saying now, combined with the fact that he's not spiteful enough to take up that offer of 'an eye for an eye' -- arakita is probably a pessimist out of self-defense. operating on a lurking fear of betrayal and a lack of confidence, puffing himself up aggressively to hide it.

understandable, if tremendously irritating to deal with.

kakyoin sighs softly before speaking up, his tone of voice calm. ]

Believe what you will, then. But I'm going to give you one piece of advice. Doubt people all you want, but if you're proven wrong -- if someone does come to your aid and considers themselves your ally -- don't aggravate them just because you have no faith in people. At that point, you'll have a hard time being fine for too long. Even you would know better than to throw away resources that you've acquired, correct?

[ there's a pause before he seems to remember something and adds, ]

And -- my name is Noriaki Kakyoin. I'd ask if you're perhaps unfamiliar with the concept of names, but surely even you're not that crass, Arakita. [ which he only knows thanks to arakita's own inbox message. thanks! ] If you're ever in danger and shout for an 'idiot' to come help you, you won't get a response. So learn to use names.

[ i.e. 'maybe i'll come help your sorry ass.' this has basically become a tsundere-off, goddammit arakita. ]

voice.

[viciouscycles]

[The understanding in Kakyoin's voice makes his scowl deepen, his shoulder muscles tense just slightly. He doesn't like when people who he doesn't trust try to "figure him out", per say, or at least think they completely understand who he is. Or, at least, that's what he reads in his "I see". He's moved past thinking that this guy lords himself over him, but it's still a far cry from completely trusting him. Still, it's a step forward, somewhat.

The advice, however, goes without comment- he'll admit that, if he was desperate and someone extended him a hand, it'd be straight up idiotic to reject it. For now, however, he'll keep his own hands in his pockets.

...At least until someone else needs help, and his better morality gets him. In other words, there is absolutely no way that he will later recall this very conversation in a flashback while presently experiencing the exact situation that Kakyoin is describing.

Absolutely not.]

Just cut that pretentious crap out already, geeze. You really think I'm that fucking stupid?

[Don't... answer that.]

Don't worry. I won't forget the name of an annoying guy like you, Kakyoin.

[i.e., "maybe i'll remember you when I do need help, you pain in the ass", it is a tsundere-off, goddamnit arakita.]

voice.

[splashdamage]

[ there's a faint noise as kakyoin opens his mouth, perfectly ready to snap, yes, you really do seem that stupid. but, after a moment of thought, he decides to hold back, just for now. he did make this call to apologize, after all, and ending this particular call with a blatant insult would be a little too crass -- even if arakita deserves it.

he'll leave the overtly scathing remarks for if there's a next time.

kakyoin just sighs (again). ]

Very well. I don't particularly care what context you remember it in.

[ there's so much he could say about arakita being crass enough to mistake 'composure and common sense' for 'pretentiousness,' but again, he'll just barely hold back for now. his tone of voice is quiet, businesslike as he adds, ]

I owe you one. If you're in need of a scout or a fighter, I'm at your disposal, just once. You know how to contact me.

[ and then he hangs up before arakita has the chance to be snippy back. ha, take that, you shit. ]

voice.

[viciouscycles]

[Believe him, he had definitely had something to say about that, and he had already inhaled the breath prepared to say it... as Kakyoin hangs up.

So it comes as a "GODDAMNIT!" to an empty room and to a shut-off phone instead.

Seriously, dammit, Kakyoin. He doesn't like having debts, and he isn't the type to hold them over people's heads either. In the end, that promise just frustrates him. He definitely won't call on him for it. Definitely not.




...Goddamnit.]